WAITING FOR DUKE NUKEM FOREVER
Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Tolerate The Long Devcycle

[Last update: 8/10/2005]

SUMMARY: The point of this is to merely highlight how pathetic I am and to illustrate my relative fandom to 3DRealms / Duke Nukem games, and perhaps additionally serve as an example of my extremely evolved level of patience. Perhaps pity will be taken on me by 3DRealms and they'll send me some cool free stuff. There's still time, guys! Evidence is presented later in the form of an Apogee coupon I've been saving for seven years.

*For further evidence of Duke fandom, see the www.3drealms.com fan stuff section, where I have submitted two pieces of artwork in the past. For evidence that I am not limited to Duke fanart, check out www.jonwofford.com . This is of course entirely beside the point and is in fact just a shameless plug.

BACKGROUND: Duke Nukem 3D was the first Duke Nukem game I personally played. I've since played Duke Nukem and Duke Nukem 2, as well as some of the 3rd-party games that got to use the Duke license. I loved Duke3D and played it rather often, considering it one of the best shooters made (and I still do). When Duke3D hit, the only real competition was Quake -- Quake, a rather limited shooter with a bland, drab palette, horrible early-3d graphics, and practically no variety whatsoever. Duke3D allowed one to run, jump, strafe, crouch, swim, fly, shrink, freeze, use holographic clones, hurl remotely detonated pipebombs, set laser trip-mines, all while tossing off the occasional one-liner as your opponent went splat. Quake was run, jump, strafe, and shoot. Its only real saving grace was that it was easily modifiable by kids with time on their hands, who thus had the power to attempt to remedy the game's shortcomings and lack of variety. Quake had technology, and Duke had character.

DUKE NUKEM FOREVER: Duke Nukem Forever is the next official Duke Nukem game from 3DRealms/Apogee, the developer responsible for Duke3D. The good news is that from what has been shown, it looks both excellent visually and it appears to have the same variety and interactivity that made Duke such a good game in the first place. The bad news is that it's been in development for a hella long time.

THE CAPTIONING CONTEST AND THE COUPON: The 3DRealms website has a captioning contest every two weeks or so -- they take a picture from around the office, and fans can send in a comical or witty caption. My captions are neither witty nor comical, but one of them won me the prize for one of the contests -- a $35-off coupon on any Apogee/3Drealms title. I swore an eternal vow to Odin that I would save it for Duke Nukem Forever.

THE WAIT: I won the contest for the date of July 3, 1998. It is now 2005 (as of this update), and therefore I have had the coupon in my possession for almost seven years. I have not redeemed it, nor do I plan to until DUKE NUKEM FOREVER IS RELEASED, for that is the indended purpose of my coupon. Damn you all, it WILL BE REDEEMED.

THE DISCLAIMER: Let me just say one last thing, which is this : I'm still anticipating the game, and I don't really fault the 3DRealms guys for anything, though I do naturally make jabs. The truth is though, I'm just as bad, if not worse. I would have sent in my portfolio to 3DRealms long ago, if not for the fear that my own ineptitude would further lengthen the devcycle and thus get me murdered.

EVIDENCE PRESENTED:

(Item 1) This is the coupon, presented to Jon Wofford (me) and authorized by Joe Siegler (3DR's webmaster person).

(Item 2) http://www.3drealms.com/camera/070398.html (a link to the particular contest I won -- July 3, 1998)